Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go