For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
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GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry