What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.