Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
May never get over this
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.