Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
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If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.