I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
You Might Also Like
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨