We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
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I just checked Web MD and I have everything
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.