Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
the red hot silly peppers
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.