Trains are just sideway elevators.
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer