Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Danger is very dangerous
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Raisins are grape jerky.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
The French cow says MEUX…
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”