Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
being a writer on Twitter:
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
this is the greatest thing ever
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Every BBC series about the universe.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.