Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
You Might Also Like
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.