Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
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My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective