So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit