Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec