When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
house sitting!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
💯😂
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Try and stop me.