*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”