My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?