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[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*