I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
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Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Always
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉