*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?