Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Customer is always right
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.