i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Hero horse inspires millions
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Hmmmmm
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.