*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
getting old is fun
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
SPLOOT
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
sistine chapel
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for