Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
What if the weather talks about us?
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.