*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
“what that mouth do?” complain
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.