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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Sign of the day..
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.