Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
this is the best day of my life
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.