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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Fights fire with marshmallows
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.