During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
🤭😂
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities