Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
are there any atheist mantises?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.