Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
put ‘er there pardner!
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face