I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”