I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business