Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
You Might Also Like
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Finished stitching this today 😇
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.