Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
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I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
how to have fun when you’re poor
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.