Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
But is it really??
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.