How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Morning my dudes.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”