I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.