Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
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[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”