Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Ovenable?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal