A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
do u think theres a butter planet?