Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Twitter is an abusement park.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.