My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
the last thing a carrot sees
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”