Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.