On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Me recordaron éste meme
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: