Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.