Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.