Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
tinder is all about the long game
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.