boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Yeah. This was me today.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!